It almost seems – NO – It is cruel, so cruel - that her passing was so unbelievably sudden, so delayed, & her life was just stolen from her; from us all.
However, even crueler so is that it was allowed to last long enough for me to grow to love her so wholeheartedly and so completely - that she filled my world entirely with God's greatest gift of love, companionship, security, and "knowing" she would "always" be there and then..... Suddenly…

... lightning struck - and inconceivably (still, in this very moment) a red-jabbed stab in my core is ripped out and I was/am unprepared, horror-stuck, catatonic, and hurting in an indescribable agony for the loss of her, not only for my loss; for the loss of her family, for the loss of all who loved her for her - to have this unparalleled person – so FULL of life (and I Can say it now – DIE) and result in the Death of my sister, my best friend, my soul mate – with no way for any of us to foresee or to prepare, in a surreal instant and even crueler so, the physical pain above the emotional agony is even greater; not simply as intense, but so penetratingly forceful it is impossible to ignore. Well, this rocked my world and knocked the wind out of me; knocked me Senselessly (and still does, daily)



Here is the ultimate cruelty that I have uncovered and the main point that I have been trying to get to for a time now:



This left me, alone in a place where her presence (not her mere memory), but her physical presence and LIFE and spirit and laughter and positivity and hope - was ripped away - leaving me alone –left to live as a false representation of what I was. Because I was never ME. I am now my partial self - what is left of me at least – and now in a place where her mere presence in my life HAD CREATED ME and she Created it for me.
She is me. I was her. There was no Jeanette. There was only Jeanette and Elena. Now how can I find Jeanette without her to tell me who I am? How can I live the way she taught me, when she WAS my guide and I am endlessly searching for her?

I don't know who I am or need to be. I only know Jeanette/Elena. I have to take everything she taught me and carry on her spirit for life for her and more selfishly - for me to live

I need to continue. A new life. A life she will always be a part of, but can never be my other half. I need to find my other half within me and me alone and within what she brought me to care about and to understand.
I will never be the same. I thank God he gave her to me. I just pray he can keep her with me in whatever sense is possible.

As I began: This is Nothing short of Cruel.

The worst part is, maybe I am the cruel one. I disgust myself when I wallow in this self-pity, grief, and misery. Elena, I am not trying to misrepresent you in ANY way, I am just attempting to learn to live without you, because I have no choice.

I love you so much.

Elena is an angel.

Labels: Elena